Thursday, 4 June 2009


Today I've been trying to sort out my paperwork for university to see how much money I'll be able to claim back for my disabled students allowance. I came across a copy of my assessment written a few years ago when I was 18, and wow, how on earth are 18 year olds considered adults? I was so young.

Its not so much the things said about me "... has concentration difficulties and requires...", "sensitivity to noises", "slow writing speed". I still have all those things, that hasn't changed. Its how I felt back then, preparing for university and being completely nervous about any eventuallity that might go wrong, and independence, that was as much terrifying as it was exciting. And my attittude, feeling so much like a little lost sheep that had to do my best to just follow along with everyone else, as they must know best.

Interacting with other human beings was not so much a puzzle as a bizzaire version of that game where you have to try your best not to make any noise as you sneak up behind someone to tap them on the shoulder, and if they hear you and turn around as your still moving your out. I didn't want to make any mistakes, and whenever I did I always blamed myself harshly. So I wouldn't as much try to solve the constant puzzle of social communication as try to slot in what I thought were the right pieces when I had to, then run away as fast as humanly possible.

Now I know people make mistakes, and thats fine, its human even. The only thing I can do is try to learn from them, and just because my view point is usually very different from anyone elses doesn't make it any less valid. I think its the most important lesson I've ever learnt and its changed me so much.

Tomorrow I start sending out job applications, I've scheduled it so by Sunday I will have sent out ten, then likely five more each day until I land myself some employment. Lets hope it goes well and I don't end up completely despising the world of work.

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