Hunky dory

Well, today sucks. If you know me, you'd know I'm not just saying that to be an angst ridden teen, I'm 22 so don't get to use that excuse anymore.

Though seriously, I'm the kind of gal that hums 'always look on the bright side of life' to myself while drowning everyone with my optimism for the future. Its a skill, one I bear proudly.

The fact that I still have no job however is a tad disconcerting. The fact that noone has even gotten back to me about the voluntary places I have applied for is even more so. Goodness, all I want to do is do some work, whether I get paid for it or not, just something I can put on my cv!

Ok, rant over. Back to the positives, I'm continuing to apply for jobs despite the constant rejection, have a masters course I have in mind to begin shortly on a part time basis if I can bear to part with the cash and am really enjoying having the offtime to read. Currently I'm reading this excellent book called forensic and criminal psychology, just finished the chapter on terroism, interesting stuff. Did you know that before 9/11 england and wales spent only £250,000 a year on counterterrosim, now its expected to rise to about 3.5 billion by 2010! Just a bit of a jump then, we're about on the 2 billion mark now.

I'm also around half way through writing a guide book for teenagers on the autistic spectrum on how to suvive through university and I'm getting there with the driving lessons, haven't crashed yet.

Thirty-eight sent applications later and

nothing. Zilch, nada. Given the complete lack of jobs getting back to me I've also applied for a couple of voluntary jobs, so I have something to keep me busy, and to add to my cv. I know this is supposed to be a really bad year to graduate, but seriously, even jobs requiring no experience are turning me down.

Thinking in terms of funds, I have just about enough to cover the year long masters course I want to take part on if I use every last penny of my life savings. However, its the housing and feeding costs that are the question mark. Rent and food can use a heck of a lot of money, even for my frugal lifestyle. Not to mention, if I want to get anywhere in life I'm going to need as much working experience as I can. I've got the plus of being able to use the back up plan of my mother for support, so with all the problems I'm having I can't imagine what its like for someone without that support in this job climate.

Anyway, plus points; I'm in a stable enough position right now at home, I just finished my third driving lesson so thats going fine so far, I'm using the time to write more to the book draft and there are still a lot of pending job applications I could hear back from. I think if I didn't manage to get a job in the next month or two, but I managed some volunteer work and finished my first book draft I'd be ok with that, even with the troublesome lack of funds. So at least I've got goals in mind.

Trials of life

It seems getting a job is more difficult that is sometimes thought. Three interviews down so far, at least thirty applications sent and no offers. In my last interview I got frustratingly close, into the last six applicants for four job placements out of thirty original applicants.

I haven't really done much this weekend due to my birthday yesterday. I ordered umpteen psychology related books for my present and am really looking forward to reading through them and having some new content to learn. My criminology textbook is good, but I want a slightly larger variety of topics to learn.

I'll get back on track tomorrow after my driving lesson, those things always put me out of wack. It'll be nice once I'm done with learning that, then that'll be one less thing to do and one more skill I can do.

I have so much I need to acheive this year alone, Its difficult.

The interview

didn't go as bad as I thought it would. It was filling out all those forms that was the hard part, but the interview itself wasn't as bad as I'd envisioned from all the data I had gathered from television, books and general conversation.

From the vibes I got, though I must admit that reading people I m throughally abismal at, I think I didn't get the job. But on the plus side, I had my first interview, an important learning experience and in theory with the knowledge I've gathered I shouldn't be so completely nervous at my next interview. In theory. I'll know in a week or so whether or not I get the job.

On the other plus side, being that I'm a very positive kind of gal. I've decided that I want a masters degree in forensic psychology, or criminological psychology as I prefer to call it as its a more accurate description of the subject. I've been fishing around for the perfect course I want to do a masters in, as one day I do want a doctorate, likely in evolutionary psychology but wanted to start out with a masters in something a little different that I am still very interested in.

However full time education has really eaten me up, so I do want to see what the big deal is about work and the whole earning a paycheck before I disapear back in for a year or embark on a part time course. That is if I manage to acquire a job in the first place.

I'm also applying for some voluntary work to have something to build up my experience a tad over the summer, thats on tomorrows list of things to do, along with a fair amount of other things. I'm not looking forward to seeing how filled my schedule will be once I acheive emplyment.

Results

Yesterday I finally got my results for my degree back, a 2.1 overall which I'm happy about. It'll be nice to be able to put something other than 'awaiting results' on my application forms when talking about my degree.

Oh, and speaking of application forms, guess who has an interview this thursday? Two days time and my very first interview, I know I'm going to be terrified then but for now I'm pretty calm. I figuire no point in worrying about it until its here. I think I'll schedule in something restful on friday, maybe some fiction reading or dvds. Its a support work job for a company that offers good training to help look after people with various disabilities, heres hoping I make a good impression.

Life

is stuttering a little, just a little. I would say I've lost count of how many application forms I've sent out, but being efficient in this instance I've made a list of sent applications in the last couple of weeks. A grand total of 14, it seems much more when you spend so long filling them out, already got the next four application forms nicely lined up to send out and zilch call backs so far.

Lovely, and to add to my problems my lifeline laptop has developed a few worrying niggles I've got to straighten out, waiting on the tools for that so I can't spend as much time on it as I like. Since I use it so much; its my tv, typewriter for fiction and fact pieces, and source of unlimited art practice in case I'm putting across the idea that I surf the net all day, its a big deal, particually as nowadays a large proportion of job application forms are both found online, filled out and submitted electronically.

Moving back home this friday probuly and seesh I hope I can convince my mom I'm not a small child that needs to be monitored and told what to do all the time, it hasn't worked so far, but heres hoping. Haven't seen my mom or one of my little sis's for almost a year, so looking forward to that, also dreading it.

I'm a very solitary person by choice, last person I talked to was general niceities to the checkout guy at my local supermarket a couple of days ago and I like it like that. I like my own space and don't understand human beings need to socialise all the time. So my very social butterfly siblings are likely going to be getting on my nerves while I'm trying to reach my work quota for the day on one of my writing projects, or delving into the sociological theory of criminology - a very interesting topic I bought a book on when my year end exams finished so I'd still get to read something intellectually stimulating over the summer.

I love my family, I really do but I also know I'm going to want to get out of that house as soon as possible. So its back to the application forms for a while I think.

I'm setting myself some projects to carry out this summer, something I love to do.

1.One the main one is to get a job including all the associated find a place nearby to live, etc,

2. I'm also writing a guide book I've been writing for a little while - about 5000 words into that so far

3. Learning a new topic - criminlogy - ten pages a day of my new book, 70 pages in so far

4. Get some driving lessons under my belt

5. Summer work, paid or voluntary - already know where I want to work - it starts near the end of july - if I'm sticking to work that starts september

6. practice my art and read and write fiction - already written almost 8000 words into current downtime story, and I'll be starting reading a new fiction book in a chapter or two.

So, fun times. Lets hope it goes well.

So hows the job hunt going?

Application forms. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggg....

That is all.

Change

Today I've been trying to sort out my paperwork for university to see how much money I'll be able to claim back for my disabled students allowance. I came across a copy of my assessment written a few years ago when I was 18, and wow, how on earth are 18 year olds considered adults? I was so young.

Its not so much the things said about me "... has concentration difficulties and requires...", "sensitivity to noises", "slow writing speed". I still have all those things, that hasn't changed. Its how I felt back then, preparing for university and being completely nervous about any eventuallity that might go wrong, and independence, that was as much terrifying as it was exciting. And my attittude, feeling so much like a little lost sheep that had to do my best to just follow along with everyone else, as they must know best.

Interacting with other human beings was not so much a puzzle as a bizzaire version of that game where you have to try your best not to make any noise as you sneak up behind someone to tap them on the shoulder, and if they hear you and turn around as your still moving your out. I didn't want to make any mistakes, and whenever I did I always blamed myself harshly. So I wouldn't as much try to solve the constant puzzle of social communication as try to slot in what I thought were the right pieces when I had to, then run away as fast as humanly possible.

Now I know people make mistakes, and thats fine, its human even. The only thing I can do is try to learn from them, and just because my view point is usually very different from anyone elses doesn't make it any less valid. I think its the most important lesson I've ever learnt and its changed me so much.

Tomorrow I start sending out job applications, I've scheduled it so by Sunday I will have sent out ten, then likely five more each day until I land myself some employment. Lets hope it goes well and I don't end up completely despising the world of work.

Freedom

No more exams!!! And as long as I've passed them, no more university!!!

Off to collapse, once I regain conciousness I'll start applying for jobs and begin a whole new stage of life.

Selective memory

One exam over, two to go and seven days of revision left. Throughout the entire exam, and a good while afterwards I had the 'gibberish' song stuck in my head, which I found oddly ironic given the wafflely subject material. Its a good song by relient K that you should certainly check out if you haven't heard it already.

The exam went fine considering, though its one of those that you have no clue about how you did until you actually get the results. I however now, as I always seem to after revising anything with dates in it, have a mind spinning with dates. I revise everything equally, but dates and me, they stick like those little burrs you find for ages clinging to your clothing hours after venturing into long grass. And not one question on dates!

I did manage to sneak in a little bit about the 1876 'crulety to animals act' set up after a enquiry into the clash between Cobbe, a feminist leading a large antivivisectionist movement who put a bill before paliement in 1875 and the quickly followed weaker bill backed by several scientists, sneaky things. It was sort of relevevant to the 1986 animals (scientific procedures) act.

Now I still have the rough dates for the recessiance, the scientific revolution, the enlightenment. Including various legislation, the 1635 act against attatching plows to horses tails, the 1723 "black act" partially used to protect animals from damage as property. What about the marvoulas moral artwork 'the four stages of crulety' in 1750, or the administration of cloreform in 1846 during the queen's labor marking a reduced tolerance to pain. The banning of baiting in 1835, publication of black beauty in 1877. I could go on.

Part of me rather likes having a mind full of dates, so I'm hoping they stick around. I still have most of my darwin related dates from when we went over it a few months ago, so I'm hoping my long term memory chooses to retain these as well. Though it would be even nicer if I actually had a use for them.

Rant over, off to revise for the last two exams.

Hard work is boring

Nothing but revision now, its been that way for over a week and I'm bored. I'm still not sure how on earth I can be so interested in the stuff I'm trying to make stick in my head and yet find it boring at the same time, surely thats unlikely? A friend has suggested I might be running low on steam because of the fact that my revision runs from 10am to 7pm, nine hours, though in reality with ten minutes break every hour its only about seven.

Everyone seems to be feeling it right about now, we're all dropping like flies complaining of illness and tiredness. Healthwise I'm pretty stable, so counting myself lucky unless of course I go down with something just as I'm sitting my exams. Not a good situation, though saying that I was barely concious with flu symptoms when I got one hundred percent on one of the most impossible subjects to get one hundred percent on.

Think I'd rather just get a decent mark and keep my health, less stress, and less tissues.

In total I have seventeen days left of revision, and my first exam for my finals in nine days. In happier news I've already arranged to see wolverine at the cinema with a couple of friends after the exam, hoping it'll be as good as it looks on the trailers.

In much weirder news according to my sister, my mother is boasting about me to everyone, me being the first of her children to complete university and all, though I'm not quite there yet. Thats new, she's a perfectly nice mother but her pride in my academic work, not so much. Not that I do particually badly, my grades are good but my fitting in with the school system has always been terrible.

With the two academically 'brighter' members of my family, my brother and one of my sisters, one has just dropped out of university after two attempts at different courses, and the other the youngest I'm hoping will do better but is too young at the moment to show her true colours. I hope they do well, but all things considered I'm feeling pretty good about my current acheivements in life.

A step closer

My dissertation is finished, fiddly bits and all. A fair number of my peers are still running around chasing their tails but that seems to be the culture here as a student, making deadlines by the skin of your teeth appears to be a status symbol of some kind. I've never really understood why but I'll mark it as one of the many mysterys of human behaviour for now. I wonder if by paying extra attention to those that finish essays the night before it acts as a (hopefully) unconcious way to sabotage the competition by encoraging them to risk their marks further in the future and so make you look good. Or perhaps its just as simple as a act that deviates from social norm achieving more attention than everyday practices just because its that, an act deviating from social norm.

I have one more essay to finish and a heap of revision to do (next month exams start - eeek). I'm worried about exams and I'm worried about getting or lack of getting a job. We'll see, all I can do now is work my butt off.

Ideas can be dangerous

Heres something new. Graduation coming up I've been thinking about careers and mentioning my skills and interests someone mentioned something I'd never even considered before, law enforcement. So as I always do with a new idea, I researched it.

I love puzzles, patterns and behaviour, as in obsessively. Sure your mind automatically goes to something to do with maths and statistics. I've tried those, I must have been the only one in my class who loved algerbra it just seemed so simple. Sudoku was also very straight forward and tackled quickly when given a book a while ago. However one tiny detail lies in the way of me embracing a career of maths; its boring.

Its just not multilayered enough. Even when I hit a wall where I need to learn a new equation to figuire something out, it still seems the same. My interests have often been more about things I can't understand like behaviour patterns. I like noticing patterns in peoples behaviour, how they walk, talk, hold themselves, what they say, what they do, why, how. I'm logical in breaking down whatever situation I find myself in, looking for the truth, lies and patterns. I also notice details some people miss.

I think if I were to go for a career in law enforcement I would go into it with the idea of a later career in CID, either that or the dog team but likely CID. It would be difficult, particually to start off with. The work of a police officer relies heavily on interpersonal skills. However I think I like the idea of pushing myself to see how much I can do better than hiding out in something less challenging. Therefore its staying in my maybe careers for now.

Finished completely the first draft of my dissertation, it stands at about 7600 words. Sending it off to my family today, if they ever sign into skype. Hopefully they'll give me some feedback before I have to send it to my suprivisor. Also got my exam timetable today, looks like I'll be finished early June. Looking forward to it.

I'm considering writing a book this summer about 'Tips of how to survive university with aspergers syndrome'. Its something I can force myself to write when I get bored, as apposed to writing fiction where I feel I must be in the right mind set to do it justice. It'll depend what kind of employment situation I'm in as well of course.

I'm not looking forward to seeing how well I fare in a interview situation. My certain challenges mean I tend to make a less than perfect first impression. The more comfertable I am with certain people and tasks, the better I am at social behaviour and coordination, but of course a interview doesn't last for the required couple of months for that to happen.

I've applied for four jobs so far and heard back from none as of yet. Kind of hoping I don't hear back from any until I've at least got my dissertation out of the way, but I do need a job. Life appears to be getting rather complicated again, its annoying when that happens.

Time for focus

Just finished my complete first draft of my dissertation. Although I haven't done pretties yet like contents and abstract. I've got to have it ready to send in by the week of the 9th of march so my suprivisor can go through it. Its terrifying, I still haven't got enough words for my word limit. Going through it, it seems disconnected and not quite right.

Also got my group presentation next friday, and another group presentation for a different module a bit later. Got to work and keep organised. Set myself the deadline of tuesday to send it off to my mom for her to read through. Its really not making sense to my head right now, but I aim to struggle through. I want this done and over with. I have other work to do, plus I need to secure employment for after university.

I figuire I'll apply for more jobs once I've sent my second draft of my dissertation in.

Worrying

Today I got the news that I get to start the results section of my dissertation. The worrying part of it how happy that made me. Geek syndrome coming in?

Oh well, I'll keep telling myself its because theres only one more section after this one till I'm finished (with this draft at least).

In other news I applied for two jobs and a HUGE part of me is hoping I don't get them as the idea of an interview is frankly quite terrifying. Their also teaching jobs, I haven't told my family that fact because they would think I couldn't handle it. I think it would take a lot of hard work, but once I got into a routine it might not be so bad.

Every job around requires people skills now. I haven't got that much in that skill department, but I've got a ton of effort. I did public speaking for about three years from effort alone, and a couple of times into it and it wasn't bad at all in fact from all the feedback I did a real good job.

I'll likely look for another job to apply for in a week or so once I've written up my results section and added something more to the methods. The works getting there.

A wise person once said that the best way to make god laugh was to tell him your plans. I'm a planner and a dreamer so I hope that doesn't hold true.

After this year of university I plan to walk away with my degree into a job. Not sure what job yet, I'm not even sure it matters all that much. I just want employment and to get into the routine of work and home. Then I plan to set aside the majority of my time at home to finish all the things I want to, draw more, write the stories in my head.

Now when I get a spare moment I go over my notes or dip into a course book. I find them interesting, sure, but I miss my other hobbys. I want my shelves to be lined with dog eared anatomy and fiction books again. I want to be mapping out plot sequences and fleshing out charaters again.

My plan after university and getting a job is to write the book I've been playing with for the past year. I won't make any solid plans later than that, just finishing university seems a difficult enough task.

I finished the essay, and am currently analysing my data for my dissertation, its due in the end of april. I can't begin to quantify how relived I'll feel after its finished and handed in, I've half a mind to declare it the new christmas.

Brain is essay-writing damaged

Almost finished my essay, one more step to finish analysing then the conclusion. Then of course I have to print it out and go through it making sure I plug it full of as many references as possible and don't leave out anything important. Fun, or it will be once I finally get to cross it off my to do list. I get an absurb amount of joy crossing essays off my to do list.

Oh, and my timetable happens to change this week so I have three of my four subjects on tuesday and the other tucked away on friday. Thats solid lectures and seminars from 10.30am to 5.00pm, minus a small half hour to pop to the libary most likely. Going to be so tiring.

Getting through the work slowly.

Seesh its cold

Sat next to the radiator, but its still freezing. I think mainly because of whatever genius decided the best place for the single sheeted cracked drafty window was right above said radiator. When I buy a house of my own I'm going to have a lovely open fireplace to huddle by and insulate the building to the extreme. Underfloor heating also sounds intriging right now.

I've got a test next wednesday, another hurdle to hop over but it'll cross something else off the things to do list.

Managed to finish that cognition essay over christmas, now I've got to tackle the next one on my list, a lovely 1200 word behavioural modification assignment. The lecturer doesn't want us to start it for another couple of weeks, but I just want it over with. I want to get to the stage where I have no more assignments looming over me for this year.

Currently I have two 1200 word assignments, a group work and a delightful 9000 word dissertation. Happy days. On the brighter side, the last essay takes me up to a 1000 word research proposal, a 1000 word critical essay and two 2000 word essays completed.

My goal is to have every single written work completed by the end of april or sooner, giving me a good month exam prep time. Also planning to start applying for some jobs about that time to see if I can secure something for when I graduate.

Its a topsy turvey time for me, but with some work, it should sort itself out.